All is Change
We live in a changing universe. Change is all around us. Everything changes, from the universe, our solar system, our planet, our species, our thoughts, the bacteria in our guts.
As humans, we’re always facing change. Sometimes it’s our choice – we get a new job, we choose a partner, we try a new sport. Sometimes it’s not our choice – a friend drops us, an accident destroys our health, we get fired, we win the lottery. Whether we choose the change or not, whether it’s a positive change or not, we need to adapt ourselves and our lives to it.
It’s not you, it’s your brain
Our brains are to some extent hardwired to minimise change, as it takes more effort and energy to try things in new ways. Change also enhances our likelihood of emotional responses (fight, flight or freeze) and somewhat reduces our ability for rational thought. The best way to create lasting change is asking questions and listening to the answers rather than dictating what people should think and do. Learning through experience is a great support too. For all of us, gentle reminders of our “aha moments” helps new things become more routine and thus feel more natural.
I always thought that being in control of things is best. Nowadays I mostly realise that control is an illusion. The main thing we can control is what we put into things and our intentions – the outcomes and how others see us are really out of our control. Guide and influence is the focus of my attention.
Change Your Inside
It doesn’t really matter where you start. Some people change their inside first. And just because you don’t see the work going in or see a change in how someone looks or behaves, doesn’t mean it’s not change. It can be transformative like deciding to stop judging people and practicing that every day. Think of the difference in how someone would feel if they did that. And of how they would be kinder to others in word and deed, once they’d stopped judging. Maybe it’s an ongoing struggle to choose a way of life that minimises your stuff, but you’re continually tempted to get more stuff
Change Our World
Bring your energy to the world and start a change that is visible. People can see it and feel it. Maybe it started as a little idea just in your head, but now it’s outgrown you and wants to go see the wide world. It wants to make friends and explore and take on a life of its own. It’s a little scary for both of you, seeing that little idea out in the world. But we need those ideas to make those positive changes in our world. You can have courage and enthusiasm, and if it doesn’t work out, lick your wounds and try again. And even if the idea has failed, you and others will still have changed – learned new things, been brave, made connections. So please, share.
Different Types
A. Planned
Planned change is one that you initiate. So that why we all usually like this one the most! You can’t control the outcome or the journey but you have a destination in mind. Things like applying for a new job, to get new experience or to help others. Remember you’ll still have wobbles and setbacks and wish you’d never started, even with a planned change.
B. Random or Surprising
Something like a car accident or a windfall. It may have been caused by you but you didn’t plan for it. You’re first reactions are probably emotional and that’s ok. Once you have taken some time, you can work out what your end goal is, how to get there in a Kindly way and how it might help you practice rebelling.
C. Big or Small
You decide whether it’s big or small. Moving continent to go somewhere I’ve never been to do a job I’ve never done in a place I know no one, for me that’s small. Choosing to ask some old trusted friends for help with my website, that’s been a big one. And really it doesn’t matter, because once you start you don’t quite know where it will end up. The key is to start anyway and be ready to learn and adjust as you go.
D. Good or Bad
How can you tell? Of course there are many changes that happen to people that anyone with compassion would say were bad. And no question, some of them are fundamentally negative. But most changes have some good in them somewhere. It may take some searching, and it may take some time to find. And it may need some distance, physical or mental, to be able to look a change in the eye. We build strength and belief when we take the time and effort to reflect on the good and bad. So don’t judge too hastily.
Keeping Things Changed
So you’ve accepted the challenge. Either you started a change or adjusted to it unasked! Now you want it to stick. None of us wants to put in all that effort and find that our wonderful improved world slips back to how it was. We could monitor things and run ourselves ragged nagging and working and worrying after the fact, or design it into how we do the change in the first place. Well, realistically we probably do a bit of the former too!
The research tells us that people will adjust better to changes if they get to experience the new ways rather than just being told. We need to try things out and get used to them. Our neural networks, our brains in our bodies, need time and effort to adjust to the new normal. And to do this, we need time, space and support. Which sounds pretty much like Kindly to me.
Adapt and Adapt again
We can’t avoid change. It will find us, no matter where we hide. The keys to living with it as well as we can are:
- Acceptance. Change is everywhere and comes to everyone. Accept that and then…
- Choice. Focus on where you are trying to go rather than the changes coming at you. Where will you spend your time and energy? How will you Rebel, how will you be Kindly, to make that lasting change happen?
- Being Curious. Use your curiosity to find a place to start and overwhelm your fear. Try something out, fail, get help, try again.
Looking for some inspiration to get started? Read about why it’s good to rebel, how anyone can be a rebel and how to be kind. Or try a Kindly or Rebel workout to get you fit. Or have a look at the blog, with new ideas and stories.