The Kindly advantage? I don’t think so…. Nice guys come last. Kindness is weak. Being kind doesn’t help people. Sometimes I believe these remarks, when I’m angry or stressed and jumping to conclusions. But really Kindness is good. For you and us and the world.
I’m Talking to You, Rebels
Now, I’m assuming that you’re a Rebel and that’s why you’re here. Even if you’re only rebelling quietly or on the inside and nobody else can see it. Yet! We’ll talk about bringing that Rebel out later…
Being a rebel is all about change and that is hard. We all love change and hate change. There’s the change curve to rollercoaster through. There are things ending, things beginning and a whole lot of messiness in the middle. It’s an exhilarating and scary ride to be on. We might be in control or we may have limited options.
The other thing about Rebelling is you’re doing something that goes against expectations. That is challenging for the rebel and for the people around them. It’s confronting when someone is a rebel, especially if it’s something they hold dear. That can unleash uncomfortable feelings in them, such as anger, fear, irritation, guilt, shame, resentment and envy. What if there was a way to reduce these feelings in people that also helped to make it more likely you changes will get established? Let’s convince yiu f the Kindly advantage.
Let’s talk about being Kindly
Being Kindly is being compassionate, authentic and thoughtful. It’s sticking to doing what you know is right, even if it makes people uncomfortable. You can talk to or lead people with compassion for how they are feeling. Even when delivering a tough message, you can be gentle with your tone without losing the message. It’s important to be patient with others, and yourself, as everyone deals with what is happening.
So, think about the long game, even as you go through the pain of the next point. Try to let your feelings of embarrassment or irritation or guilt pass through, even while wanting to make them stop. This takes a bit of compassion for yourself as well as others. Being Kindly to yourself is encouraged.
Why Should I Rebel Kindly?
To make all this change easier. Easier to get through and easier to get to your end goal. Being Kindly is for the selfish, the selfless and the interdependent.
Selfish Rebels
It’s good for you – makes you happier and calmer. And it helps you build stronger relationships rather than breaking bonds.
Selfless Rebels
It’s good for others – makes them happier and calmer. Put yourself in their shoes. They might be scared or annoyed or overwhelmed by your passion. Spend some time thinking about how others might feel rather than jumping straight in. You can help them to stay engaged with you, rather than tune you out or rage back at you. Their appreciation for your Kindly ways will make them feel better and more likely to hear you.
Interdependent Rebels
It’s good for everyone. The outcome you hope for is more likely. Change is achieved when we’re supported, not judged, get a chance to try and mess up, coached and rewarded.
If you’re the boss, for example, people may change what they do because they are told to. Unless they are rebels who may not do it, just on principle! People will most likely revert back to the old ways when you’re not there. But if you Rebel Kindly, they will have time to question it, add their improvements and get support to try the new ways. You will be empowering the teams and giving them back control and trust. All of which will help it stick. If you’re trying to change a whole system, getting a bunch of enthusiastic early adopters will be key – and these will be the ones who will definitely question and challenge, not just follow.
Give it a go
Enough of the thinking and talking. Let’s use that Kindly advantage. How about some practical tips to be more Kindly when you’re off being a Rebel. A wise old boss once told me, that people will remember how you behave long after they’ve forgotten what you did. Bearing that in mind:
- Pause. Take a breath and see how you feel. Are you being Kindly? Or feeling like you are the boss, the smartest one, in the right, have a duty to be honest? Those are feelings to watch out for and not a great state for a tough conversation.
- End in mind. Why are you rebelling? What outcome do you want? Is this the Kindly way, the most sustainable way, to do it? How do you want these relationships to be afterwards? There are most likely many paths to your goal. Make a good choice.
- Thoughtful. There are times to push and times to hold back. Be honest about which is best for right now. Be conscious of the impact you may have. Get feedback from honest people, if you are feeling courageous.
Now, go and Rebel, with your Kindly muscles engaged.
I’m A Kindly Beginner
I’m more a Rebel by nature than Kindly. More logical than emotional by nature, I was always rebelling against the expectation that women are the caring, emotional ones. So I rebelled inexpertly, and was all about convincing people with good arguments and efficiency. Nobody needed my Kindly side. As I’ve evolved, I’ve been able to balance the two sides more. So I’m still a rebel and I’m now more effective. Though no less passionate, I’ve added compassion to the mix. I can see the Kindly advantage clearly.
Here’s a work example. Giving someone challenging feedback at work? Rather than bluntly telling them they are rubbish or not telling them there is an issue at all – be Kindly. You can be honest so they know what they need to change, but how you say it can be Kindly. You can let them know it’s their behaviour not their personality. That you are there to help. You can sit in silence with a Kindly attitude while they get upset. Let them go away and come back when they are ready. Learn about the change curve and how people might feel as you talk to them, educate yourself. See, Kindly isn’t always easy!
Do It Kindly
Use the Kindly advantage. To make the world better, we all have to change. Think and feel and act differently. So that it then becomes the way we do things, our new way of being. It’s how we can adapt to, engender and thrive on change. By rebelling Kindly, you are making people feel happier and less stressed – people means you too! And doing it Kindly means it’s more likely your changes will stick. Remember, it’s good to rebel and anyone can.
Now, pick your challenge. Ask other people what you could differently. Begin with the end in mind. Get your muscles warmed up with our workouts. Go Rebel Kindly!